February 22nd, 2006

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Truly Such A World Would Be A Paradise

My brother and I have a running joke between us, where whenever we hear about a person or group of people who are so stupid they can barely muster up the brain power to breathe, that public ridicule needs to become a more common thing. You run a redlight, you wear a clown nose. Or, like, an animal nose. Fake pig nose. You shoplift, nose and shoes, or a tail or whatever. Progressively more of the clownish outfit gets put on you as your crime against reason becomes more serious.

And the final level? The ultimate, for people who vote for the land developer's son to be their congressman while bitching and moaning about him letting his daddy develop the land? Or as an addendum for people who think it's okay to rape and murder and thieve from others because God said it was okay? In addition to prison?

They get plugged into the apparatus.

Imagine a modern version of the stocks, but with these two strange rails that protrude behind it roughly 30 feet (that's nearly 10 meters to non-Americans). Attached to these rails is a rubber bladder, and some elastic something-or-others, one on the left-hand side, one on the right hand side. A large banner is hanged above the apparatus, reading "ASSING".

It's a public spectacle, naturally. Maybe tickets are sold.

The criminal is brought to the apparatus and locked in. His or her pants are lowered, and the bladder is pulled back. A moment of anticipation, and RELEASE!!!!!

So whenever we hear a stupid news story about another moronic criminal, or about our corrupt politicians thinking we've forgotten the last time they tried to make some stupid, tired point that was proven false back then, if not before, we reference the incident, and then procraim, in unison: "And there shall be an ASSING!"

Aaron "The Mad Whitaker" Bourque
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